You know, I think it’s time for you to ruin your life. You’re clearly doing too well, and you need to level the playing field for the rest of us.
However, your success does take away from my success, reader. And I take that personally. But it’s all good, because I love you, and I promise I’m not trying to sabotage you.
So, here is some sound advice for the coming year!
1. Assume You Know Everything
You’d have to be an idiot to believe you could be wrong about something.
All of your opinions are correct. You’ve figured it out. There is no room for improvement. You’ve reached the end of knowledge and wisdom. Congratulations, you’ve won.
So stop reading your dumb books and thinking about anything important. It’s more important now that you tell people what they should think.
It would be wrong not to. People love being told how to think. They have a hard time doing it for themselves.
Why listen, when you can speak? Why learn, when you can dominate? Why open your mind, when everything else is wrong? Keep it shut. It’s gross out there.
2. Blame the World
How could anything possibly be your fault? Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re adorable.
If something bad happens to you, it shouldn’t be on you to do something about it. You didn’t cause the problem. They did! They started it!
It’s way easier to blame the government, or your parents, or your landlord, or your dog, or God, for your problems.
Try it sometime. The next time you feel bold enough to shoulder personal responsibility, just dump it all on someone else like a big sack of potatoes. It feels amazing.
It’s cool to have problems and not do anything about them. Just get everyone to feel bad for you instead. The more you complain, the cooler, stronger, more interesting, and more attractive you become.
3. Forget About Your Friends
It’s good to have a routine. Here’s a solid one:
Wake up. Go to work. Eat lunch. Go home. Dinner. Netflix. Bed.
Now, where in that hectic schedule do you see an opportunity to call someone? This is why it’s just not feasible to maintain close friendships in the era of hyperconnectivity.
But that’s ok! You have your sitcom friends! And your streaming friends! And your podcast friends!
You don’t even need real friends anymore. You can watch people be friends with their friends.
Let the people you’ve shared your life with fade into obscurity while you kick back and get ready for another beautiful binge.
Because you know what really makes life worth living? — Narcos, and The Great British Bake Off. In that order.
4. Choose The Doughnut
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that no one likes a sweaty person.
So, at all costs, avoid physical activity. Sit and rest the body. The body needs rest to function. So…just rest!
And eat. Eat well. Make it rich and decadent. Buy several chocolate fountains, even if you live alone.
Why would spend one second of your life not feeling good? More importantly, why would you spend one second of your life feeling icky and uncomfortable?
Working out is for people who hate themselves. You don’t hate yourself, do you?
5. Avoid Confrontation (Scary)
Don’t confront anyone for any reason. They might get mad. Or worse, they might think less of you.
I don’t care if they hurt you, manipulated you, cheated on you, or they weren’t there when you needed them. Do not, under any circumstance, speak up.
People are powerful, more powerful than you, and you need them to like you if you want to get anywhere, so the less you talk, and the less you cause problems, the smoother your life is going to go.
It’s always better to be the one who agrees and takes the heat. Everyone loves and respects that person most.
6. Love Technology More Than Life
Easy advice here: Look at your phone more often than your partner.
We’re gonna be in a Metaverse soon anyway, so you should get started early. You didn’t hear? You’re gonna get to be a giraffe!
Think of it this way: What entertains you? — Your phone.
What comforts you? — Your phone.
What sexually stimulates you? — Your phone.
What gives you advice?— Your phone.
What’s always there when you need it? — Your phone.
She sounds like a keeper.
The more time you spend in tech, the more fulfilled, satisfied, enchanted, and informed you will be. It’s a win-win-win-win.
7. Literally Never Stop Talking and Thinking About Politics
The world’s problems are at your fingertips, and if you want to be a responsible citizen, it’s your job to be constantly filled with dread and self-righteousness.
If you make politics your personality, people will be drawn to your sharp opinions and confident, commanding presence.
If you suspect that someone you know might believe something different than you, then you need to tell them why they’re wrong as soon as possible.
No one has anything to offer your perspective (See # 1). And because your information sources are superior, it’s safe to assume that everyone is delusional but you.
The greatest minds, the warmest hearts, and the most glorious citizens are the ones who can only see, understand, and define others in terms of their politics.
It’s literally all there is. Now go out and make things right.
I Got Your Back
If you follow my advice, you’ll be on the fast track to health, wealth, and finally having people like you.
I tell you because I care, and I know what the keys are.
Here’s a review of how to kill it in 2022:
- Stop learning and start dictating what other people should know.
- Never take responsibility for any problem. Put the burden on something else.
- Let every meaningful relationship fall to the wayside because it’s easier to just consume.
- Get comfy and eat GOOD.
- Never confront anyone, or you will get destroyed.
- Standby and wait patiently for the Metaverse.
- Politics makes everyone happy because it’s the only thing that matters. Spread the joy.
I really want you to do well. Just not well-er than me, ok? We need to be even, or else it’s not fair. So…uh…good luck.